I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
