we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
