his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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