I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
