hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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