Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
