how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
