you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
