I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
