the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
