Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
