So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
