how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
