I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
