you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
