So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
