If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
