my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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