i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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