Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
