she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
