Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
