I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
