I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
