Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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