Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
