you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
