Cold hands, warm shart.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
