I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How does one acquire holy water?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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