I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.