good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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