Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
