I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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