I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
