the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
