At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
