AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
