May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
