I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
