I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
