Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
