You can't special order awesome
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
