Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize