where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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