pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
