Just cropdusted the office
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
