i don't like sucking hair
Me too!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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