Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
