i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
