Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
