I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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