I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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