Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
