never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
