If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
