P.S. I can't hear my feet
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
