last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
