Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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