I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
