Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
