I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize