Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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