we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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